To Be Loved
by Antonia-x
Summary: Set during various scenes of series one. Told from the perspective of Kate, Jed, Molly & Ryan. Kate/Jed.
1. Chapter 1

**Once again sometimes things get very caught in my head and I have to write them down; so this is little piece on events during the first series. It'll be about four chapters long, I suspect. **

**For Callie because she understand the need to write in the middle of the night -**** feel better soon, and Meggi for being Meggi.**

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"**I'm her cousin…"**

"**You're not my cousin, we're not even related."**

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Kate

She slammed the door closed behind her as she stormed into her room, feeling every tell-tale sign of the treacherous tears building up in her eyes, and she was almost certain that they were tears of anger. She let herself slide down the door and settle on the floor as she brushed at her cheeks wiping away any tears present. She knew that she was feeling angry; angry at her dad for forgetting her birthday; angry at Jed for bringing a sudden halt to what would have been a suitable birthday present from the only male in her life who remembered her birthday and angry at herself for taking advantage of her flatmate and getting herself involved in such an encounter with Ryan in the first place. She considered that Ryan would have never usually have been her type - in fact she was sure that he'd not even been her type if she'd been drunkenly picking up men in a bar. She was almost certain that she would never even have looked at Ryan in that way had Molly not expressed an interest, truthfully she was sure that her own interest in Ryan had only been peaked when Molly had mentioned him. She never wanted to consider herself a jealous person, but the moment the words had left Molly's mouth she knew that she'd tried to dissuade her, and she knew that it was out of fear of it working and being left on her own and that in reality she was jealous; jealous of all those who got their happy endings when her own had been snatched from her at just sixteen.

She looked down at the soaking top still in her hand from when she'd retrieved it from the bath tub not five minutes earlier, and threw the offending item at the floor. Before she wriggled out of her skirt and dragged herself across the carpeted floor to pull a nightie from her drawer. As she pulled her sleepwear over her head she felt her shoulders begin to shake as she struggled to restrain the tears which had been threatening to fall every since Jed had forced his way into her bathroom and not only caught her in such a state of undress but also shocked her into the reality of the situation which she'd found herself in, as she realised he'd walked in on her pressed up against her bathroom window in a rather compromising position. She rested herself gently back against the wall of her room and found her hand reached out automatically to pull her quilt down to join her on the floor. The first pangs of regret had arrived almost instantly, and she wasn't entirely sure what she'd felt for, as she considered whether it was the fact that of all her past flings it had been Jed who had seen in such a way; or if it was the sudden presence of Molly's words not an hour earlier spinning around her head or if it was the guilt she felt at using Ryan in such a way.

She knew that she had no problem with using a man, if she'd needed to in the past, but when the man in question was Ryan she felt differently about it, why she wasn't quite certain. Her mind slowly drifted to the awkwardness of tomorrow morning and having to face both Ryan and Molly, before she caught up with the events of the past twenty minutes and realised that she'd left Jed stood still staring angrily at Ryan, who he'd only just pulled away from her, with Molly standing with both sadness and disappointment in her eyes as she arrived too late to see exactly what had been going on but the aftermath of the situation had been pretty obvious, she did not doubt. She knew that she hadn't always acted this provocatively nor could she even begin to understand why she acted that way at all - well she knew that she was growing tired of intimate encounters with men she'd just met, and that it left her feeling hollow and with a sense of nothingness the next morning, but at the time she knew she was making herself feel better, at least, for the short period of her time these men were involved with her for.

She was sure that she'd only been hiding in her room for about thirty minutes when she heard the gentle tapping on the door; a noise which she was more than willing to ignore for the time being, because of the three possible candidates she wasn't even certain which one she'd dread to face first. Initially, she was sure it'd be Ryan, however then she thought of facing Jed who she was sure that would still look deeply disappointed in her. She closed her eyes and the gentle tapping noise began yet again.

"Kate," she sighed deeply when she realised that it was in fact Jed who was trying to force some sort of contact with her. Ignoring him she pulled the quilt tighter around herself, she snuggled back down into the comfort of the bed clothes and silently found herself hoping that he'd give up and she'd be left alone for the remainder of the night.

She'd thought that he'd somehow understood her wishes and left, preferably the entire building rather than just the outside of her door when the tapping began that again and Jed once again began to speak. "I know it hurt you," he began and she found herself rising to her feet in order to protest with a person she couldn't even see. "Especially after everything that happen -" She almost jumped in fright at the implications that Jed's words could contain and quickly rushed towards the doorway, pulling at the handle in a rush to open the door and hopefully stop him revealing anymore than Molly had been privy to and information that Ryan certainly knew nothing about. As she stepped backwards, she stood on her bed clothes and quickly pulled the quilt up and threw herself on to her bed and re-wrapped them around her.

Jed

At his words he heard the door being opened ever so slightly, and he entered to be met with the sight of a red eyed Kate with tear stained cheeks who had positioned herself in the middle of her bed with her quilt carefully wrapped around herself, as though she was seeking comfort or protection from it. He raised his eyebrows momentarily at her hardened stare as she glared at him still standing in the open doorway, before he closed the door and crossed the room to sit at the foot of her bed. However, once he was facing her again he recalled her reaction to his arrival and he wasn't sure what had hurt more the fact that she seemed to have continued her reckless, provocative behaviour that he was sure that his admittance to the psychiatric hospital had begun or the fact that she'd dismissed him from her life with a simple sentence stating that he was not related to her. Then again, if her swift exit from the room was anything to go by he also thought that she'd forgot the connection that they'd once shared.

However, when he thought of that he recalled the way in which he had suddenly left her life almost nine years previously and the same old feelings of guilt he'd first experienced when he'd been forced to leave Kate's life without even a goodbye. Communication with his mother had informed that the girl had taken the news hard and she'd blamed her father intently for removing her only confidant from her life before she'd seemingly seemed to hit self-destruct and spiralled into the provocative behaviour that he'd witnessed himself only half an hour beforehand. In that moment as he watched her attempt to disappear beneath her bed covers and immediately seen the same fifteen year old girl he'd forced to confide in him in order to try to understand why she'd suddenly become so withdrawn from everyone around her.

"Kate," he found herself starting suddenly determined to engage her in some form of conversation in order to understand her actions as from the conversation that he'd had with Molly in the bathroom, she'd never expressed any interest in the male that he found her locked in a rather intimate position with, not long before. As he glanced in her direction he noticed that she had looked up momentarily and her tiny action had prompted him to continue speaking. "Talk to me," he stated calmly, upon realising that he had no idea what he was going to say to her. He looked as his companion shook her head before curling herself up under her quilt and covering her face from his view. He pulled the cover from her face and smiled at her sympathetically before he considered what to say to her. "Molly says that you've never been interested in Ryan before," he stated, before realising quite how forward his statement was.

He watched as Kate manoeuvred herself into sitting position and he remained seated at her feet as she gathered her quilt back around her shoulders and stared at him intently, while she chewed on her lower lip seeming more child-like and self-conscious than he'd ever have believed that she could be. "No," she had began, and stopped suddenly when he felt himself raise his eyebrows and the honesty of her words. "I'm not sure why I done it," she continued with the same honesty and he found himself feeling a little bewildered by the look of abject sadness in her eyes as she seemed to silently reflect on her current the situation.

"It did hurt you," He found himself half questioning, half stating in reference to his own sectioning and the circumstances which had forced him and Kate apart for years at a time. When he'd returned to her side age nineteen, he'd seen the change in her - in fact the first thing he'd noticed had been the cold look of nothingness in her eyes as she entered the room and barely looked at him. However, that had not stopped her ending up in his bed that night, though it had also not stopped her ending up in a complete stranger's bed the next night, something that Jed was sure then would always haunt him if he ever recalled how easily and naturally she had allowed herself to led away by him in the bar, before creeping back into the house at six the following morning.

"No one told me what was going on," the girl he'd almost forgotten was there, as he lost himself in his own memories, spoke suddenly seemingly revealing her own feelings on their shared past.

"I'm sorry I left you the way I did," he found himself commenting, before realising that he had nothing else to say to her nor could he find appropriate words to explain how he had never wanted to leave her when she was obviously almost as troubled as himself, yet in an entirely different way.

"I'm sorry Molly found out." She'd replied clearly, not acknowledging his previous words.

"Has she ever mentioned it?" He found himself responding, as he too recalled the evening Warren had sent the just arrived Molly to join them in Kate's room and she'd walked in what was quickly about to become a very intimate encounter.

"No," Kate had said slowly, before removing herself from her cocoon of bed clothes and crawling down the bed, only to stop in front of him before she'd tilted her head upwards and allowed her lips to graze his neck before she'd just as suddenly captured his own lips with hers. However, almost as soon as it had happened, he found himself pushing her away, and hastily retreating from the room, unsure of her motives and not certain that he should be going there again especially when he had no intention of staying around very long.

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**Thank you for reading, I'm rather hoping to have the next update up by tomorrow - we shall see...**

**Annyx **


	2. Chapter 2

**So, a little later than planned, however thank you to Aria-Mae for reviewing, & once again to Callie and Meggi, feel better soon both of you, purely because I'm not sure how long I can keep writing get better fics, he! Well coherently anyway...**

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"**I am going out for some milk…"**

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Molly 

She had been able to sense the dislike towards Sadie that Kate had immediately radiated on the first meeting between the woman, a dislike which she could not deny seemed to increase spectacularly when Jed had hurried after the blonder of the two in order to walk her home. She had noticed that Kate's unsubtle flirtation with Jed also seemed to have been disregarded by their new neighbour probably, she found herself considering, because Sadie seemed to share that particular talent with Kate. However unlike the words which had left Ryan's mouth not ten minutes beforehand, she was certain that she knew exactly what Kate's problem with Sadie had been - and their similar character traits, as Ryan had stated, it had not been. She was more than certain Kate's issue began and ended with the way their house guest had fawned over Jed for the entirety of her stay, she was also sure that it was her jealously of the attention that her sort-of cousin had been paying to his new admirer that had put Kate's nose firmly out of joint. While she wasn't certain whether it jealously of the fact that it was Jed who was offering Sadie attention, or if it was quite simply the fact that she hadn't managed to achieve her usual routine of getting all the male attention in the room on her.

Either way she recognised the signs of Kate's jealously and now that she was behind her closed bedroom door she was unsure how her oldest friend was planning on spending the remainder of her evening. However now that she was alone in the living room, she could hear the sound of Kate crashing around in her room through the walls and she vaguely wondered whether or not she should go and check on her. She glanced at the door, realising that Jed had yet to return from walking Sadie home, which was in fact only a floor away, and padded softly across the room to contemplate washing the dishes that Kate had thrown at the sink in a mood only five minutes before. She heard a much louder noise from the direction of Kate's room and she found herself stopping her actions of re-filling the sink with water and paused to considered the safety of both Kate and any breakable objects in her room being well versed with the fiery blonde's temper as the sound of yet another object hitting the floor travelled through the walls.

However, the sound of Kate's door opening swiftly threw her momentarily and she watched as her saddened looking friend stormed towards the bathroom without a word and slammed the door harshly before she heard the sounds the Kate filling the bath. She found herself instinctively padding softly back across the apartment to reach the locked bathroom door, and placing one hand the wooden panel and she already her head to fall closer to the door and from the gentle sniffling sounds she could assume that Kate had succumbed to tears she rarely cried. She sighed sadly realising that her friend would not ask for the comfort that she so obviously required and found herself drawn to the unwashed dishes as tears began to prickle at the back of her own eyes.

She was unclear on whether Kate's desire for Jed's attention had anything to do with the connection that she knew they'd shared as children or if it was simply the need to be loved that she seemed to have. She had always tried her utmost to forget the scene she'd once walked in on between the pair - however she'd knew that there had been something between them as teenagers - and now vaguely wondered whether Kate's feelings for her adoptive cousin had been reignited following their reunion or if they'd never faded. What she established wasn't completely clear to her was whether or not Kate had ever felt real love for Jed or whether it had been her possessive nature which had prompted her to sink her claws in and decide that she was the only one Jed should have been watching so intently.

In spite of the lack of blood relation between the pair, she found the similarities entertaining, as she reflect on how they had both seemed to shut down the world around them upon seeing something which had or had the potential to hurt them - whether or not they'd admit to that feeling was immaterial. She'd watched Jed react similarly on seeing Kate flee the apartment only offering a less than thought out excuse for her sudden departure that morning. She'd watched from across the table as Jed had checked the fridge following Kate's reasoning and she was sure that he hadn't missed the noise of her phone indicating an incoming text message. Though initially Kate had spoken in such a pointed way, she wouldn't have been surprised had Jed actually followed her from the apartment as though her words were a code.

She'd be the first to admit that she had no idea what sort of relationship that Kate and Jed shared, though when she'd been the one to interrupt a rather intimate encounter when they'd been just sixteen, she had always judged from the haste in which they had quickly separated that she'd walked in on a kiss which had occurred in the heat of the moment, though over the years which has followed Kate's reaction to Jed's name alone had encouraged to believe that there had been a bond much stronger than their adoptive relationship between them. In fact, the morning following Kate's moment with Ryan the look across the breakfast bar they had shared had shown that there was something more to their relationship, something which she believed that she did not want to be privy to and she did not doubt something which had influenced, at least partly, Warren's hostile attitude towards his nephew through adoption, an adoption which Kate had confirmed was Warren's idea on one occasion.

Kate

When she'd left the safety of her bedroom and glanced around to see the door to both Ryan's and Jed's rooms ajar and rooms darkened she established the noise of the front door had been the departure of Ryan rather than the return of Jed. Yet despite wishing silently that her sort of cousin would return to the apartment, like he should've already done given his time away completely a task which should have been in no way time consuming, she was grateful because she wasn't entirely sure whether she would be able cross the living area without succumbing to the tears which were threatening to fall.

She'd played all her usual games with Sadie, she knew she had, she'd played them with Jed too and if she recalled correctly she knew that she'd pulled Ryan into it on at least one occasion. However she would loathe to admit to anyone she'd been jealous of the girl, jealous of the way Jed gazed at her and jealous of the way that he allowed her advances - despite shrugging her own attention off a mere week beforehand. She'd always been the one who Jed gazed at, always, regardless of who else was in the room whether it be her father, his mother or even Molly she had always been the sole focus of Jed's attention. She'd enjoyed it both in a shallow way but at the same time it had made her feel a happiness she hadn't felt since her mother had left - like she was genuinely loved and important; not just supported and cared for like her father had made her feel.

She'd been the one to say the words which had broken her heart and she knew that as a child she'd yearned to have something in common with Jed but when the words had left her very own lips and she realised that she was not the woman in the room who could relate so much to the man she held so dear. She accepted this despite what her heart had wanted her to believe and she knew that all she and Jed shared was the same dysfunctional, if not rather messed up, childhood. Yet in spite of this she knew that she and Jed had a bond far stronger than any shared experiences he and Sadie had; granted she considered the bond may have been there but she was the only one who had ever known the truth of what she had shared with Jed and perhaps it was fear that had prevented her from telling him whether that was a fear of Jed or a fear of her father she was unclear.

She tentatively placed her hand in the filling bath to test the water, knowing that it would be bordering on boiling, yet as she felt the temperature she reached up to stop the running tap without bothering to add any cold water to the bath tub. As she did so, she felt the first few tears began to fall and she found herself unable to prevent their steady flow as they coursed down her cheeks, she heard the movement of Molly which stopped at the bathroom door, yet she found herself both uncaring and unable to hide the fact that she was hurting. Hurting far more than anyone realised and much more than she'd ever admit, but she knew that Molly had seen the tears before and more than likely tears for all she had lost after all she knew she rarely cried for anything else regardless of what her outward appearance and anyone around her would assume.

She knew, perhaps she'd admit from experience, that Jed had now been gone much too long to even still be considering returning to his own bed that night yet when she actively thought of it she felt light headed as she realised that she couldn't comprehend a situation in which Jed would ever act so recklessly, imaginably as reckless as others would consider her own behaviour, unless of course she herself had also been part of the situation. She shook her head violently trying to physically remove her thoughts from both Jed and his probable current location before she slipped herself beneath the combined blanket of potentially scolding water and bubbles.

Yet even as she allowed herself to sink into what should have been a relaxing and calming experience she found that her mind would just not shut down. She opened her eyes sighing as she realised that despite the fact that it had been nine years since, she could still recall every detail of the day which had seen her end in a similarly scolding bath and she knew that it was memories of that day which had prompted her to run the water in the first place much like it always was. She found that she could even appreciate the irony in being completely aware as to why her unconscious mind seemed to push her to such extremes, and with nothing but sadness in her heart she considered how that very first night she had considered it a suitable punishment.

She knew that night that she believed she'd lost everything and could not comprehend anything ever hurting her more than Jed being sent away six weeks previously had done. Then the searing pain had kicked in and she realised that while the pain was physical at the moment, that it would be a pain which had the potential to hurt more than life without Jed, though she'd always considered that the emotional pain which had followed had been intensified by the loss of Jed. It was that night she'd slipped herself into the scolding bath and she had scrubbed at her skin repeatedly, unsure sure to this day whether she was trying to soothe or hurt herself. Yet she knew that she made no conscious effort to prevent herself repeating the actions in this very moment, wondering just how much longer she would be able to keep her secret pain.

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**Again, thank you for reading, the next update should be up in the next day or two. **

**Annyx**


	3. Chapter 3

**I realise that this has been a little long than a day or two, but writing just hasn't been happening recently - however I am hoping that it's resolved itself & I have this completed before I watched the new series, because that could only confuse things further, I'm sure. **

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**"No, I just think you're better than that."**

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Kate 

Granted when she'd woken up that morning she hadn't expected to end her day quite how she was, but she felt herself being pushed further and further backwards until she'd collided with a solid object. However as she felt herself stopped against the refrigerator her companion had pushed his hands from her shoulders to her wrists pulling her arms upwards as he did so essentially pinning her between the fridge and himself, yet at the speed in which her own lips had returned to his she doubted that even had she wanted to she'd be unable to complain.

However as Jed lifted his head from her own she was finally able to think about what Molly had told her in a rush earlier that day; whilst she was certain that Jed could never willingly harm another person, she couldn't quite find the words to express this to him. The gentle murmuring of her name in her ear gave her all the inclination that she needed her tilt her head upward once again and press her lips lightly to Jed's, as though they were sixteen all over again and the last nine years had not happened. In a way she considered that she'd have been so much happier had the previous nine years not happened, she often pondered if she'd have the ability to keep people bar Molly and Ryan in her life if they hadn't; if people would find her more likeable if she had not had to deal with the events of nine year previous, either ever or alone, and she honestly couldn't work out which.

She considered that the largest disappointment, had not been the many failed relationships in her past, but that the closest she had gotten in recent months to a relationship had been with a married man; although she'd known that she'd never wanted to be in a relationship with Sean, it was saddening to think that the only person who had considered more than one brief encounter with her was in fact married and would not have any intention of allowing their frequent liaisons to amount to anything more than the unimportant encounters he considered them.

In spite of the words which Jed had earlier thrown at her, during their early morning row, she didn't believe them. She didn't believe that she was better than what she had become she'd known what she's become; known that she had become accustomed to using people, men in particularly, for her own gain and she would argue that, that alone quite firmly disputed Jed's earlier words. In a way she almost felt guilty for not living up to the expectations that Jed had some point between childhood and the present day formed about her. Despite the feelings of guilt, she was beginning to feel unsettled by the intensity of her everyday feelings towards Jed knowing that she hadn't felt so strongly about him since she was sixteen years old.

"I was pregnant," she found herself snapping suddenly, unsure where the words had come from or why precisely she was saying them, however they did have the power to make Jed both jump then step away from her slightly, perhaps so he was able to stare into her face which he now seemed to be doing.

"When?" She heard the shock in his tone, and found herself unable to answer not certain if she could bring herself to say the words or if he'd even cope with them if she had admit the truth after nine years. "Kate," she heard her name again, and vaguely pondered how long had passed since she'd blurted the truth out and quite how long she'd stood wondering if she could answer the question. She knew that revealing this after nine years probably had not been one of her better decisions, but at the time even she was unsure of how Jed would react to the abrupt change in their circumstances; however she was painfully aware of how her dad would have reacted and this alone was enough to prompt her to keep her news a secret.

"Just forget that," she whispered, finding that her eyes seemed reluctant to meet his and immediately found the floor, hoping that he'd understand her and respect her words. However, by the way he placed his hands on her shoulders and shook her slightly, he seemed determined to get an answer from her. "Please, Jed," she begin in a half hearted pleading tone. "Leave it." She concluded much more firmly and she was finally able to raise her head and look at him, hoping that her eyes would illustrate her decision and Jed would be able to see how sure she was that she did not wish to discuss the subject further.

"You're not anymore?" She'd heard the words and found that she couldn't find the words and simply shook her head in response. "Why didn't you say something?" As Jed yet again spoke she could see the mix of pity and shock in his eyes as he attempted to pull her closer to him, in a small act of comfort.

"I had no one to tell," she found herself saying, knowing that her words weren't necessarily true she could never have revealed the truth to anyone and be offered the comfort and care that she so desperately wanted.

"What about me?" She pushed away from him at his words unable to face him knowing that he was in fact the only person, barring her mother, she could not have told the moment she realised what had been affecting her moods and making her feel quite so ill. She's rushed off in the direction of her bedroom fearing that both her emotions would betray her and that Jed would sudden become quite aware of how much he was entitled to know, which for the moment was much more than she found herself able to say aloud. She slammed her door closed behind her, and much like Jed's first night in the flat she threw herself towards her bed covers and adamantly refused to allow him into the room.

Jed 

"How could I?" Kate's voice was barely above a whisper. Though granted he was aware that she'd managed to now put her bedroom door between them, which would only serve to make this conversation so much more difficult than it would need to be, it still sounded as though her words were muffled by some sort of fabric. He could assume, much like his first night in the apartment, the girl had managed to cocoon herself in her bed clothes wrapping them tightly around herself in an act he could only believe as an attempt to comfort herself. Comfort he assumed that night, from himself, as his return turned her world upside but tonight, he figured, the comfort she required was much more to do with the secret she'd just shared. Perhaps he considered it irrational but he wanted to be the one to comfort her. He wanted to be the one who was there for her as she dealt with something which was affecting her so badly that she was unable to bury the emotions deeply inside her in the way which she had always done so well.

It was then at Kate's rather puzzling words he became aware that he seemed to have misunderstood her and he felt he had to get her to open up more about what she had just revealed, hoping that he'd be able to quench whatever bad feelings she was having about it. He could not understand in any way why Kate could not have confided in him; after all there was little chance of him mentioning it to Warren or judging her for her actions, given his own erratic behaviour over the years and when he thought about the unsettling behaviour and actions he'd watched Kate herself partake in over the years. "Kate," he found himself beginning as he allowed the palm of his hand to hit the closed room, alerting the woman inside that he was still outside and he had no intention of going anywhere until he'd spoken to her. He forced himself to take a steadying breath before he considered speaking again, afraid of losing his temper in his determination to be in the same room as her. "Open the door."

"Leave me alone," he heard her despite how quietly she was insisting on talking, though he was certain that it was her intention. He couldn't quite work out why she'd chosen to hide herself away after making such a confession, or why she had if she then did not want to discuss the matter any further.

"You need to talk about this," he began, finding himself considering that perhaps she just had to say the words aloud in order for her to come to terms with them herself. "You obviously wanted to," he found himself pressing regardless of whether or not Kate wanted to hear the words. He knew deep down that he would've been there holding her hand through whatever her decision, however giving that her last partner, and probable father to the child she was no longer carrying, was married he strongly suspected Kate had found her choices limited.

"I don't." She had countered pointedly, seemingly believing that she had nothing else to say on the subject. "I wanted you to know," that was louder than her previous words and it felt to him, for once, that Kate was finally being truthful about the reasoning behind her actions. "Now you know." She concluded finally and then when he could no longer think of anything else to say in response to her words, the conversation seemed drawn to a close. Yet in spite of that he knew that, that was what she'd wanted and he couldn't bear to give her that when it was so obvious that it was something she had to talk about - in fact it was probably the only thing in her life that she'd ever needed to talk about.

The words were somewhat puzzling, he couldn't work out why he of all people had been the one she'd wanted to know yet she'd refused to tell citing that she would have been unable to when they'd been living under the same roof. "Let me in Kate," he asked again, this time not pausing to keep the anger from his voice. Whilst he wasn't sure if it was this anger which has prompted Kate to eventually allow him access, and as he heard her padding softly across the room he realised that he couldn't entered the room at any point and not have had to deal with a conversation through the wooden bedroom door. He stood in her door way, watching her pick at a loose thread on her duvet her eyes trained to that spot, without saying a word.

He knew what he'd have done if she'd told him; if she'd told him, there was no way he'd have let her go through what she must've alone, he'd have been there holding her hand doing whatever it took so that she knew that she wasn't alone. In spite of knowing this, he also knew that he wasn't quite aware how he'd be able to tell her this, tell her that she didn't need to go through it alone, that she could've had him holding her hand, comforting her if she needed it, holding if she felt sad or if she had doubts. "I would came with you," he suddenly heard himself speak and he wasn't entire sure where the words had come from but seeing the confused yet slightly startled look on her face only prompted him to continue. "To the clinic, or wherever you went," he clarified, glancing back up to see the same confused look in her eyes and found him gesturing at her stomach as he crossed the room to sit next to her on the bed.

"I never," she spoke softly and wrapped her arms around her stomach, whether in protection or defence he wasn't sure yet Kate continued speaking, "it wasn't like that." She said softly finally looking up at him and as the meaning behind her words became clear he found all he could do was snatch both her hands squeezing them tightly when words could not even be forced. "You were in hospital when it happened." Kate continued as though she was offering an explanation as to why she hadn't told him sooner.

Though her words only made him realised quite how long she could've kept her secret, and he pulled her closer into his arms, rubbing comforting circles on back as he questioned her words by use of her name only. "Kate?"

"I didn't know what to do," she said softly, her voice muffled by his shirt as he clung to her tightly. "And I didn't know how to tell you," she whispered sadly, and she did seem to seem regretful about being unable to confided in anyone. "I'm sorry." He could feel the tears, he hadn't known she was crying, beginning to soak through the material of his shirt and his fingers ran through her hair as she spoke. "I hoped it would have been like you, not twisted like dad; granddad; me," it was then in her final remark that he realised quite what she'd being trying to tell him, and he sudden wasn't sure what he could say to her, how he could reassure her that it wasn't her fault and that he didn't blame her.

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**Thank you for taking the time to read; reviews are always welcome.. **

**and I do intend on getting that up before I watch the new series, which is likely to be Friday - but I'm hoping in the next day for this one. **

**Annyx**


	4. Chapter 4

**The plan really wasn't for this to take so long to write, however, it did and after fighting with it for about a week you can have the last update. Though, the benefit of that was getting to read some lovely reviews before I posted this and it was nice to know people were enjoying and were interested. So yes, Callie, Meggi, ficmouse & CSI Encyclopedia , thank you for reviews - they did make me smile. **

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"**We'll leave, but you need to tell me what happened,"**

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Ryan

Since Jed's arrival he'd known of two deaths though if Jed was as certain as he declared about Zoe, he supposed, three, in the apartments or immediate area alone which actually made living there a little unsettling. However, he'd had plans to keep with Molly: one drink before she dashed off to catch the bus to the train station for her stay with Moon and whatever her best friend turned husband's name was for the night in order to be present at the christening of their baby girl the following morning. He'd watched her board the bus with the promise that she'd call when she got to the station, and once again when the husband of Moon had met her off the train. He'd received her call almost as soon as he stepped through the gates of the apartment, and with the knowledge that Molly was safe in a crowded train station, his thought process turned to Jed and how he'd possibly be coping following the death of not only someone who had become his friend but someone who he had tried to help.

As he let himself into the unusually darkened apartment he pondered momentarily about Jed's whereabouts, given that their home seemed deserted of all people. He considered that it was vaguely unusual for Kate to not be home by this time in the evening - unless of course she was being kept busy at work, but as the weeks progressed that had been becoming less and less frequent. He felt sorry for her, he'd probably never say that to her face, but she had Warren for a father and she seemed to spend the majority of working days determined to prove herself to him. When he thought about it, it was unsettling to watch someone who prided themselves on complete independence fight desperately for the attention of someone who seemed to have been there by her side for entire life but without really noticing her and anything she had achieved.

However even more unusual than the silence and darkness which was enveloping the entire apartment was the ajar door to Jed's room, a door which much like his own remained firmly closed purely due to the possibility of them leaving old hospital files lying around. Particularly with them both knowing that the last thing they needed was Kate realising that the were looking in the history of the building, it's patients and staff - her father and grandfather included. He could not deny that the girl desperately needed a friend and he considered that perhaps Jed had been the only one to fit that role in her life when Molly's family had emigrated. However as he stepped further towards Jed's room, in hope of spying it's usual occupant inside and he could then put his mind at rest over how he was handling the death of Mark.

He realised when he took in the sight in front of him, that he wasn't entirely what sort of state he would have found Jed in, or which he would have rather; however he was almost certain that he hadn't been expecting quite what he sighted. He found himself stepping to the side slightly, so that he was not quite in the centre of the doorway, though given that both occupants were seemingly sound asleep. He doubted very much they would have been aware of presence. He pondered momentarily the innocence of the situation, yet this thought was fleeting as he recalled the way that the duvet cover pulled up to Kate's chest and her head was rested gently on Jed's shoulder, her bare arm thrown across his bare chest. In spite of the way that Kate's hair covered the top of her shoulders and could actually be concealing the straps of any number of the skimpy garments Kate chose to sleep in, he couldn't help but recall a story a tipsy Molly had once told him not long after they'd made Bedlam Heights their home.

If he was correct in his memories he had been the one to ask Molly what Kate had been like as a child, after witnessing some sort of altercation between father and daughter which had seen the girl flee to her bedroom slamming the door, making it very clear that she was not in the mood to talk to anyone. At the time Molly had been of the opinion that their disagreement would have had something to do with a cousin of Kate's; recalling it now he could have been certain that she had been referring to Jed, who now it seemed to share a rather intimate connection with the girl. This same cousin Molly had continued had been the second person involved in a somewhat passionate encounter a newly returned from Canada, sixteen year old, Molly had once intruded on. Now, he realised, it all made sense, however it immediately dismissed any of his reason as to how the scene in front of him could have been innocent.

He knew that he'd have considered Jed holding Kate until she fell asleep not only potentially likely but fairly innocent as it seemed it was obvious to everyone barring, of course, Warren that Kate seemed constantly sleep deprived - even on days where they'd remained in the night previously and she'd slipped off for an early night - and troubled by something. In fact he'd have considered that Kate and Jed would have been a great source of comfort to the other, if she'd been able to get what was troubling her from her mind and he was able to explain how Mark's death and his so-called gift had made him feel.

He sighed deeply realising that he was more than likely wrong and stepped back towards the door briefly as the female seemed to stir slightly, almost immediately waking her sleeping companion as she raised her head from where she'd buried it in his neck and lifted herself upwards slightly so that she was looking straight at him, neither taking the time to realise or recall that they'd not bothered to close the door behind themselves earlier on. He found himself retreating slightly and from his position, just out of the view of the door way, when he heard a murmured voice that he was able to recognise as Kate's yet quite what she was saying to her male counterpart he was unable to tell. Yet the movement of Jed's lips indicated that he'd responded to her hushed words and it was only as their lips had once again locked in such a fervour, that should not have been considered given their apparent family connection he found himself creeping silently away.

Kate

She found herself becoming very aware of Jed's presence by her side as she stirred, and instinctively pushed her hair from her face in order to look at a sleepy Jed properly. She found very quickly that she wasn't aware of quite how she'd be able to say words to him in order to enforce a conversation that she was completely certain that Jed would hate to have and if she was honest she wasn;t looking forward to it either, the difference remained that she knew it was a conversation that did have to happen. "That shouldn't have happened," she found herself beginning in hushed tones as she looked at his eyes which were showing no emotion yet she found that this didn't bother her, as Jed showing emotion was rare and more often than not was fear. "We should never have happened," she pressed on, regardless of the lack of reaction from her companion. "We aren't good for each other," she stated shortly, knowing the truth in her words despite how much that she hated it.

"I care about you," she almost jumped in fright when Jed spoke, not only had she not expected any indication that he'd been listening to her but she certainly hadn't expected him to say something quite so meaningful.

Unable to find suitable words to respond to what she believed were Jed's genuine feelings, she found herself unable to say the words in return, because deep down she knew she cared and that she'd always cared for Jed. Everything in her life that had included him had been much more special than anything else that she'd done without him; in some ways she knew she even included the child whose loss had caused her much physical and emotional pain, in that definition. She shook her head slightly, causing Jed to glance at her, one eyebrow raised in confusion, as she realised that she perhaps knew quite why she'd ended up in the situation, why she'd ended up trailing Jed into this situation and being fully aware that Jed was in fact that the only person who she could have ended up with on this particular night. She settled herself back against Jed's chest enjoying the feeling of his arms wrapping back around her again, as she realised that she had manipulated the situation quite well enough for her desired outcome to be occurring.

While she wasn't quite certain who had initiated the kiss they'd shared she knew that Jed had not objected nor had tried to prevent events from escalating further in fact he'd been the one to follow her from the room. She knew deep down what she'd wanted from this night and she'd understood completely that it could not have been, nor should it have been, with anyone other than Jed. Even she could feel the desperation in her actions; the overwhelming need that she'd felt in the previous weeks to be close to Jed again, to be loved by him, that she had deliberately, though not initially, only a few hours beforehand set out to recreate the bond she'd known they'd shared for a brief few weeks. "I wanted to have your baby," she admitted softly, though unsure whether she'd said the words aloud she knew that there was such truth in them that she found herself unable to care.

In someway she felt that it had been a desire since the day she'd learned that she had been; Jed had been gone for three weeks and unlike most in her predicament she found that the positive result had brought her the happiness that had been taken from her the moment Jed had been. In the three weeks which had followed her happiness had not faded until she'd been confronted by the searing pain which was quickly followed by blood, too much blood to let her believe that her only chance of happiness and all that she had left of the only person who had cared for her had not been lost. Despite the fact that she was hurting quite so badly, she was for the first time in her life relieved for her father's disinterest in her life and she locked herself away in the bathroom, letting the almost scalding water wash over her skin as she cried until she felt she could cry no more.

She'd always felt that she was sidelined from what had been occurring in her family, as a child, and after Molly left, she'd had no friends to speak of and as a result knew she'd clung to Jed. This act alone, which had triggered what her father had once described as her 'unhealthy fixation' on him, brought them closer together and over time it became obvious that the other was the only person they could trust. She found that in particular these past few days her behaviour had become similar to it had been then and despite knowing how much the man whose approval she'd always wanted disapproved she could bring herself to act any differently. "Is that what this was?" She'd heard Jed's quiet voice and she briefly considered his question, before realising if she'd responded negatively she'd be lying to both Jed and herself and made the conscious decision to nod softly. She expected anger from her companion, and when she felt him roll them both slightly, so they both lay on their side her eyes closed momentarily waiting for the outburst which was sure to follow. She tried to look away as he seemed to stare into her eyes for the longest time though making no acknowledgment of her sudden confession; she found herself unable to move, even when Jed had pulled her closer and moved his head so that her own was tucked securely under his chin and the sudden rush of unexpected tears began to fall freely down her face.

In spite of her overwhelming need to be loved, or perhaps even just cared for, she knew that it wasn't something which she'd be able to find in this building despite the presence of the one and only person who could give her what she desperately needed. She settled herself into the pillows wrapping a hand around Jed's upper arm as she let her head fall onto his shoulder feeling the gentle touch of his lips grazing her forehead. "Can I sleep here tonight?" She found herself questioning softly, hoping that he'd understand that she really couldn't face being alone at night anymore. His only response was to tilt her head upwards bring one hand to rest under her chin, the other tangled itself in her hair, as he pressed his lips to hers momentarily. After a few moments her hands seemed to find his hair as she found herself engaged in a kiss of much more kindness than she was used to. An act which didn't prevent her knowledge that for now she'd have to settle for this and this alone, at least until they'd carried through on their decision to leave; however for now as Jed pulled the bedclothes further up their bodies she found that this was a suitable enough a distraction to prevent her thinking of the horrors which had occurred within the building for much longer than she lived, she was certain.

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**One final thank you for reading, **

**As always reviews are appreciated because it's always fun to know what people like, and what they don't. **

**Annyx**


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